Neither fish nor fowl

I first attended the Sewanee Church Music Conference in 2005. I was probably in discernment for ordination at that point—I don’t really remember—but I wouldn’t be ordained for another three years. So I had a nice, uncomplicated week as a conferee. People were lovely and welcoming, I was fully involved in the music, and I knew I wanted to return as often as possible.

By the time the 2008 conference came around, I was a deacon. But apart from serving as deacon at the Sunday Eucharist, I had, once again, a nice, uncomplicated week as a conferee. I asked to serve, by the way: to read the Gospel and sing the Prayers of the People.

And that’s the thing: every additional step I have taken at the conference toward fully living into my vocation as an ordained person has been taken because I offered to do it, and the conference leadership—especially the chaplains—have been unfailingly supportive. First I would assist at the Eucharist; eventually I would celebrate once or twice. And this year I have been hearing confessions and administering the sacrament of healing. (Midway through my fifteenth year as a priest I finally made the effort to memorize the “strong tower” prayer, so that I can now do a fully rubrical rite of healing without a book. I highly recommend this. I feel so much more present in the sacrament that way.) It has been an immense joy to serve in this way.

But to be more present as a priest has meant being less present as a conferee and chorister. I’m neither fish nor fowl, both in and yet also apart from the normal experience of the conference, which has been so important to me over the years. I’ve missed out on a lot of the family-reunion side of the conference because I’ve been doing other things: things I love to do, things I’m enormously grateful to be able to do, yet things that exact a cost by reducing my opportunities for other things I also love.

This is beginning to sound whiny, even to me. What a “problem” to have: there are so many good things on offer that I can’t manage to have all of them at the same time! Don’t get me wrong: I’m having a great week here. I just need to figure out what I’m meant to be doing at this conference and then do it, without regret or self-recrimination.

I’ll have this all worked out for next year.